i'm having a massive headache. it isn't physical, i can't actually feel my brain juggling about but i feel dizzy. dizzy in the head, in the heart, in my eyes. so dizzy.

i feel like smoking but when i think about the disappointment it could bring to my mother should she find out, i could cry.

yes, i actually cried. in the bus. when i was running late, as always. apparently i'm an all-time sad sack.

where are the people whom i thought i could rely on to? where are they? they were always there, back in secondary school, back in madrasah. back in my memories.

i'm starting to think that memory, the good kind especially, could very well destroy you. it could make you think of people, how they were, what they used to do, what they used to be to you. what you were to them.

i don't know how i should approach this sudden realisation, of this sudden loss. should i dive in, and get hurt even worse than i can possibly imagine? or should i just wait, and wait, and wait, and wait.

forgetting's not an option. it is never an option.