i wasn't being honest to myself when i wrote that i was glad we grew apart. i mean, there is a certain amount of truth to it, i guess being 'glad' is a more mature way to look at things isn't it? to move on, already. to accept the change, adapt to it, then fucking move on. i guess a part of me still hasn't, but when i look at how you are and how i am now, it's impossible for us to carry on a conversation or just hang out. what could we possibly talk about, what would we say to each other? how do you make up for lost time, for three whole years. three years of what- exactly? silence? resentment? regret?

what a load of crap this is. i'm really trying to explain myself here, but i still haven't sort out my feelings just as yet. i need to sort this out. i have to seek some sort of closure. our friendship has become a silent blog war battle- or is it just in my head? i have this bad habit of relating every bad thing she says about either friends or friendship to myself- i have to, don't you understand? the internet is all that's left of any connection between us. God bless whoever created livejournal/facebook/friendster.

i don't miss her. i wish i did. an explanation is all i want. i called. and we talked. and i felt so empty afterwards. like i'm on a race for something which i'm not sure of, but the track is just whirling about leading me to nowhere. what did i get, really, out of that stupid phone call? she was too tired to talk about it. i, on the other hand, wanted to say everything. i was hell-bent on vindicating myself and hoping that i get something out of it. she's so non-confrontational about it, it's frustrating.

i want an ending.

i sound like i'm in some sort of a lesbian relationship drama. i ponder on friendship too much it's ridiculous. i act like it's the only thing that's keeping me together, and yet, ooohhh, how it tears me up insiiiiddeee.