wow am i on an emotional shitfest.

i really miss my grandfather. i am really feeling his absence during ramadhan. usually he'll call and ask about general things- what we're gonna eat, what we ate the day before, kuih, the house...and i would hear him go on and on about who gave him what, etc. i really miss that. i miss his voice. i wish i could remember how it sounded when i'm old. i want to tell my kids what a great and beautiful and amazing grandfather he was to me. i'm such a failure now. i hope he doesn't know what i've been up to. but i think he does? they have a way of knowing, don't they? he's probably shaking his head and asking himself how did she come to be like this. i don't know either atuk. i guess i just slipped and never got up.

but i will soon. just not now. there's something comforting about 'living in sin', it distracts you from the things and people who really matter. but things/people who matter bring you down and wear you out, so the best way to deal with it is to really just turn to God, or drink up.

i'm just like the person i hate most. what a fucking hypocrite i turned out to be.